Boys Will Be Boys
The afternoon before my husband and I met with the lawyers to sign the papers to purchase our first home together, he disappeared.
My daughter was a baby. She was in my arms when he left.
My husband left because he was stressed.
He hated owing money.
He was anxious about purchasing permanence.
He was worried about the weight of it all.
He had screamed and thrown something and made a hole in a wall earlier that day.
He didn't tell me he was leaving.
He just left. And he stayed away.
And he didn't answer his phone for many hours.
Many hours later, after nursing our baby and changing her and singing her to sleep, I sat on the couch crying onto my baby's tiny body.
I didn't know if my husband would come back.
I didn't know if we would have a house.
I didn't know if I would be a single mother.
I kept calling my husband but he never picked up. I called his friends and they didn't answer.
I got in my car and I put the baby in her car seat and I drove around the neighborhood. I was looking for his car, or his stumbling body, or some sign of him. A car. A shoe.
I looked in the parking lots of bars, mostly.
It was 1 am and I was driving around our county, with our baby in the back seat, slowing down as I passed by the bars.
Finally I called his mother around 2 am. I woke her and she said "what's wrong?" and I said "your son disappeared" and she said "I will be right over."
My mother in law arrived at our apartment.
She took the baby from my arms.
She hugged me.
She looked at my sad face and she wiped my tears and she said "I hate him right now, but boys will be boys."
My daughter was a baby. She was in my arms when he left.
My husband left because he was stressed.
He hated owing money.
He was anxious about purchasing permanence.
He was worried about the weight of it all.
He had screamed and thrown something and made a hole in a wall earlier that day.
He didn't tell me he was leaving.
He just left. And he stayed away.
And he didn't answer his phone for many hours.
Many hours later, after nursing our baby and changing her and singing her to sleep, I sat on the couch crying onto my baby's tiny body.
I didn't know if my husband would come back.
I didn't know if we would have a house.
I didn't know if I would be a single mother.
I kept calling my husband but he never picked up. I called his friends and they didn't answer.
I got in my car and I put the baby in her car seat and I drove around the neighborhood. I was looking for his car, or his stumbling body, or some sign of him. A car. A shoe.
I looked in the parking lots of bars, mostly.
It was 1 am and I was driving around our county, with our baby in the back seat, slowing down as I passed by the bars.
Finally I called his mother around 2 am. I woke her and she said "what's wrong?" and I said "your son disappeared" and she said "I will be right over."
My mother in law arrived at our apartment.
She took the baby from my arms.
She hugged me.
She looked at my sad face and she wiped my tears and she said "I hate him right now, but boys will be boys."
This boys will be boys mindset is one of the most troubling aspects of modern American culture. I don't claim to be innocent of it, and I certainly did my share of irresponsible "boys will be boys" things when I was young, but I hope that I can raise my children to be better than that.
ReplyDeleteI remember earlier this year when Aziz Ansari was called out by a woman who went on a date with him as a sexual abuser. I remember people calling it a bad date blown out of proportion. I had friends who agreed with that. I remember thinking after reading the story that the lengths Aziz went to sounded like a bad sitcom episode of a guy trying to get laid. And I remember realizing in that moment how toxic the "boys will be boys" mentality is. This idea that men can behave this way and women should or must put up with it is deplorable and turns my stomach. I hope every day that I can raise my son to be better and my daughter to not to accept people who treat her that way in her life.
Your blog is so powerful. I follow you on Twitter because you share the same political views and I do and you’re a fellow New Yorker. I follow your blog because your writing is extremely powerful and carries a message that should be hear by men and women from across the world. Thank you for your bravery in sharing your life experiences with us.
ReplyDeleteYour writing goes straight to the heart. It also goes straight to the heart of the issue. Thank you for sharing your story. Through you, others will know their story isn't just a story of the sad/bad that can befall us, but a story of hope, of silver linings, of sweet memories mixed in with the bitter, but most of all, of a future that is stronger in the broken places.
ReplyDelete