Wonder
I wonder about the moment you ended your life all the time.
I wonder how it was possible for you to be so full of desperation that you did not want to stick around to hear our baby boy develop his first words. He says "mommy" all the time now but never "daddy."
I wonder how it was possible for you to be so full of desperation that you did not want to stick around to hear our baby boy develop his first words. He says "mommy" all the time now but never "daddy."
I wonder why you didn't think of missing our middle child getting his first pair of glasses, and looking exactly like you.
I wonder why you didn't think about our daughter wanting you there when she excitedly decided to cut her hair short. She would have loved for you to see her.
I wonder if you thought about that at all.
I don't wonder why you left me. I know you were angry and sad. I know you were mad at me for wanting happiness and comfort and stability. I know you were mad at yourself for not being able to be that. I don't wonder why you left me.
But every day and every hour, I wonder why you left our children. They are a part of you, and despite you having hidden from them for most of their childhoods, they still loved you. They still wanted you to be living, and to be giving them what you could give, even if that was just a little bit.
I wonder about the moment you ended your life all the time.
I wonder how, in that moment, the feeling of our children's hugs escaped you. I wonder how, as you choked your breath out of your body, you were ok leaving them to face Father's Days and other holidays feeling so different from their friends. I wonder why you didn't want to be included on their drawings of their families. I wonder why you didn't want to be there as they got loose teeth, or played in the snow, or made up silly songs and dances.
I wonder why you no longer wanted to be their father.
They are your children, too. Why didn't you want to be their father?
I wonder about the moment you ended your life all the time.
I wonder how the darkness inside you was so great, you only thought of your pain, and not the pain of our children.
After my best friend died, I got so depressed I wanted to blow my brains out. I sat in my boyfriend's house with all his guns (over 150). I sat on the couch, reached my hand down between the frame and pulled out the 9mm with a hair trigger and put it in my mouth. I tasted the metal and gun oil. I thought how sweet and peaceful life would be and how the pain would end.
ReplyDeleteAnd then I thought about him finding me. I thought about the pain I was feeling and I thought about my mother feeling that pain.
I couldn't pass that pain on to my mother. I couldn't be the one who made someone feel what I was feeling.
Sometimes I still regret that thought and think , "How would I do it today?"
Instead, I am starting therapy. After an assessment a month ago, I was told I needed trauma informed therapy and help with grief.
Last night, for the first time in almost 4 years, I dreamed of her. I saw her smile and heard her laugh.
It was golden. Painful to wake and know it wasa dream. Painful the dream ended, but I'm still here. She would want that. He children want that too as I am theirs now.
I'm glad you are still here too.
Your children need a strong, bad ass woman as their mama.
I don't even know you, but I resist with you and I am proud of you and me for still living.
Remarkable as always Dvora. I am as always fascinated by your ability to communicate. I know I have said this before, but I wonder if you really realize how powerful and insprirational your writing is. I lovse seeing the responses of those you have touched on a personal level. It is as if the window into your world has opened a view into everyone's soul.
ReplyDeleteHeart wrenching..youvarexa remarkable woman
ReplyDeleteYou're amazing. And not alone.
ReplyDeleteI don't know anything about anyone else's pain, but I know mine. People love and need me, and I canNOT let them down.
My wife's previous husband left her alone in 2001 with a son plus a daughter on the way. Drugs were involved, but not the only problem.
We were dating in 2003 & went to New Orleans for Jazz Fest & visited a fortune teller. We made it a point not to give away too much, as a test. She found out Dana had been widowed, then asked when he passed, then said the departed "was earth-bound till a few months ago, but... he's free now... did he die by his own hand?" We were both too creeped out to hear just what she said next about regret.
The questions. Will they ever stop? Or just fade from memeory.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you have and are going through this on behalf of your kids and for yourself.
I enjoy your ''sharp" wit on twitter and feel every blog post you write.
I hope you and the kids have an amazing Thanksgiving weekend.
Joe
Very moving. Very brave. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteGood luck for tomorrow (christmas).
ReplyDeletePonder your questions but don't let them consume you. It won't be possible to know the answers to every question.
ReplyDelete