Detective
I've just recently started watching the videos.
I study them like a detective on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
I know things. Now I know more things than when the videos were taken. I was not looking for clues at the time they were recorded. I was a witness to an untimely death, to a crime scene, before I knew I was a witness.
I study them like a detective on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
I know things. Now I know more things than when the videos were taken. I was not looking for clues at the time they were recorded. I was a witness to an untimely death, to a crime scene, before I knew I was a witness.
Witnesses don't know they are witnesses until they are asked questions.
I didn't know to look for signs. I didn't know it would happen. I didn't notice as much as I should have. I was an (innocent) bystander.
This is happening after the crime. This gathering of evidence. The sifting through his words and his expressions and his movements for clues of what would be. Breadcrumbs of the violence that I never expected but came home to.
The focal point is the body. There is a chalk line around his body that is always there in my head.
I thought a line drawn in chalk would disappear.
I didn't know to look for signs. I didn't know it would happen. I didn't notice as much as I should have. I was an (innocent) bystander.
This is happening after the crime. This gathering of evidence. The sifting through his words and his expressions and his movements for clues of what would be. Breadcrumbs of the violence that I never expected but came home to.
The focal point is the body. There is a chalk line around his body that is always there in my head.
I thought a line drawn in chalk would disappear.
It hasn't disappeared.
I am the witness, the wife, the detective.
I see his face. I know his face. I knew his face before but it was different to me then because I didn't know his capacity. Now I see his face in the videos and I know his capacity. Now I know him more, even though he is not here, even though he is also a stranger. I know him objectively, but deeply, like a detective figuring out the victim and the murderer, all at the same time.
(They are the same person).
I am the witness, the wife, the detective.
Our home videos are not home videos anymore. I cannot watch them as family videos. I cannot watch them and think "oh, remember that time? That was funny."
They are evidence. They are newspaper clippings. They are alibis.
Was his laugh real?
Was he happy or pretending to be happy for our children?
Was he always thinking about it?
How many times did he think about it before it happened?
How long was he premeditating?
I ask myself questions. I am detective and witness and wife.
I have almost nothing of his.
I moved away from the crime scene, I couldn't bear it.
But now the case has been reopened.
Now I have the videos, and I am searching.
I am the witness, the wife, the detective.
I see his face. I know his face. I knew his face before but it was different to me then because I didn't know his capacity. Now I see his face in the videos and I know his capacity. Now I know him more, even though he is not here, even though he is also a stranger. I know him objectively, but deeply, like a detective figuring out the victim and the murderer, all at the same time.
(They are the same person).
I am the witness, the wife, the detective.
Our home videos are not home videos anymore. I cannot watch them as family videos. I cannot watch them and think "oh, remember that time? That was funny."
They are evidence. They are newspaper clippings. They are alibis.
Was his laugh real?
Was he happy or pretending to be happy for our children?
Was he always thinking about it?
How many times did he think about it before it happened?
How long was he premeditating?
I ask myself questions. I am detective and witness and wife.
I have almost nothing of his.
I moved away from the crime scene, I couldn't bear it.
But now the case has been reopened.
Now I have the videos, and I am searching.
Curious, Dee, do you see any clues in these videos? Anything that stands out now when reviewing under a different light ?
ReplyDeleteReasons may never be known, clues may never be seen. And if you do see what you think MIGHT have been a clue, you couldn't have known then - and you couldn't have changed anything.
ReplyDelete