Judgement
I am not ok with being judged. Keep your words to yourself. Please.
I am not ok with being told "maybe you could be doing this better?"
Not right now.
Maybe not ever.
I know there are things I can do better.
There are things you can do better.
I keep my mouth shut, because I know you know.
Maybe you should know I know, and just let me be.
I found a dead body hanging. The dead body of my husband. The dead body of my three children's father.
I found him.
You didn't find him. I did.
You will never know. Please don't pretend to know.
I couldn't breathe that day, do you understand?
I could not breathe.
He took my ability to breathe away with his.
I had to remind myself to breathe.
Now I am breathing.
It has been three years now.
Three years of breathing.
And every day I breathe deeper.
Please, please.
Take a moment.
Before you say words, take one moment.
Place yourself firmly in my bare feet, descending a staircase.
Place yourself firmly in my bare feet, on the basement floor, the cold body of the man you loved above you.
I did not fall apart.
I have three kids.
I did not have that luxury.
I did not drink.
I did not do drugs.
I did not crawl under my bedcovers.
I did not give up.
I did not wish myself dead.
I wished myself survival.
I wished myself strength.
Those are seven victories.
Think about those victories before you tell me of my losses. Please.
Did I do everything right?
Hell no. Let me count the ways.
Is every choice I made the best?
Fuck no. Let me count the mistakes.
But maybe let me count them for you. Maybe don't offer to count them for me.
Maybe not now. Maybe not ever.
I have followed you for a while, and though we've never met, I must say, you are one of the strongest, most resilient and amazing women I know. My prayer for you is that each day gets better and better for you and your three children. Stay strong my beautiful friend
ReplyDelete❤
Your words/poems/thoughts are always so amazing. Honest, heart-wrenching. No on should be judging you and social media can be cruel. Know that so many of us are admiring you for being present as a mother for your children and as a wife who had to deal with the most horrifying way to deal with a husband’s death.
ReplyDeleteyo that volnost guy is back
ReplyDeleteyou should let your followers know so you can report him
There are no words from me. Thoughts and feelings - yes. Words - no. I send continued strength to you and your family and always will.
ReplyDeleteI have been following you for a few months. Your ability to communicate is an extraordinary skill..Your words go directly to one’s soul.
ReplyDeleteI can’t even imagine where you find the energy and focus to raise 3 children with such skill and love. Based on your recent post, seems some
people have judged or criticized you. Perhaps these people are well meaning and care about you. Don’t engage these comments emotionally. Take a step back and understand what you have accomplished and are doing is amazing. You do it with balance, wisdom, wit and an intoxicating sense of humor.
I understand you are simply expressing yourself and not soliciting compliments. Please accept these thoughts in the spirit they are offered. You are very hard on yourself to the extent you may not understand how people really see your. I will share some observations with you;
despite your demanding life I notice you have empathy and kindness to those you communicate with on social media, you had mentioned being 44 and honestly when I first saw you dancing with your children I mentally guessed your at early 30’s, you had shared in one of your posts the scars from surgery, truthfully you are very attractive ( I was thinking younger sister of Julia Roberts ), you are extremely creative and I laughed non stop watching your Oreo Video in fact I sent it to several friends who also enjoyed it, my impression is you are scary smart.
So if even for only a moment leave behind those criticisms and see yourself as others see you; an amazingly skilled and living mother, a woman who has experienced the sadness and tragedy of your husband’s death yet retained her humanity and compassion, you are blessed with high intelligence and a heart of gold, you have a youthful exuberance and a razor sharp wit, you are beautiful inside and outside.
Tom
Tom, thank you. I haven't been on here in a while, and I just came back to write about Thanksgiving and saw I had lots of comments on a prior post. I read this and it was like opening a gift. So grateful that you took the time to write this, and for every word you wrote. Thank you for seeing me the way you see me, and for this incredible care. Please let me know who you are on Twitter so I can reach out directly and thank you.
DeleteThank you for making yourself vulnerable. My life was upended in 2005 when a semi driver plowed into the back of my Honda Civic. Sustained a TBI as well as significant neck injury. I watched as the guy who used to be me disappeared, replaced with a guy who had difficulties with things that were always easy in the past. Because my injury is/was invisible people generally do what they do...they judge you. Always was proud of the life I created for myself & the help I offered to my GF to ensure her own dreams would come true. She has been gone several years...as she told me I am not the person she fell in Love with...and she's right. It's almost like attending your own funeral except your old friends don't show up...they rarely even call. I'm different but I'm the same. Maybe I've lost filters & say many politically incorrect things...but my heart still beats...it still feels...it still hurts. As I read about your experience...I felt your heartache your heart break thru your words. I felt guilty as I too have concluded this life...this world...is just too much for me. I've convinced myself that I am given more than I'm able to give. It's a complete 180 from the way i lived most of my life. Reading your words...i hope they stick inside my head as living has become so painful, being alone most of the time, friends walked away with ease...because I'm different. I don't & never have I ever intentionally hurt a sole. I think of your horrific experience & the unraveling of the Life as you knew it...Unsure why I read this today...but I believe I was supposed to. You gave me a gift. A gift of looking at my situation thru a different pair of eyes. Blessings to you & your family & I'm so sorry for what you have been thru.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully expressed!
ReplyDeletehonestly Fu*k anyone that is negative to you.
ReplyDeletelet's see them do better than u seem to be doing.
you just keep fighting for u and ur kids.
do what u think is best.
Be positive
You have incredible strength and I've enjoyed our minimal interactions. I hope you always remember the sunshine even when it rains. ❤
ReplyDelete-Terry Lynn
DeleteI found your blog through your Twitter bio. Your posts about your husband hit very close to home for me. Like you, I married someone knowing they suffered from mental illness. Severe depression with alcoholism, and a refusal to get help. In my case, my wife did go for therapy, but refused to tell her therapist about her drinking, which rendered it useless. Although I eventually left her, I carried a lot of guilt about my inability to "fix her".
ReplyDeleteI recently heard through the grapevine that she was homeless and living in her car. All the old feelings of guilt rushed back, with the original reasons (inability to fix) compounded by guilt over the life and success I've found since we parted.
When I read your words, I thought "how could she possibly blame herself? She did everything she could". Then I realized that was something someone else would probably say to me. So thank you for that small measure of solace.
I wish you the best and that you find peace.
Yes to all of this. I am so sorry it took me so long to reply, I simply haven't been on here in a long while, and am just reading many of these comments now.
DeleteI am exploring all of these feelings you talk about in therapy. That need to help someone who will not help themselves, to take on that burden, and the guilt when it becomes too much, and you leave, and they fail to take care of themselves. It is all so heartbreaking. I am sorry that you have also been through this. If you don't mind, please let me know who you are on Twitter so I can reach out directly. Thank you so much for opening up and sharing.
Hi, I follow you on Twitter and find your posts and thoughts so raw, strong and amazing. Your "turn the heart volume down" post today brought me here. I've read a couple of posts (and want to read them all), but wanted to share a possible resource for you. Do you know Nora Mcinerney?
ReplyDeleteShe lives in Minneapolis (where I live) and blogged about her husband's fight, and ultimate defeat, to cancer. Your writing styles are similar. After her husband died, a stranger in the area reached out as her husband also died - by suicide. They became best of friends and started a Hot Young Widows Club support group - many have young kids. She has written a book, started a non-profit, ect. If she/the group isn't on your radar, I would recommend.
Peace (and no judgment - ever)
@ohmargeaux
I've been following you on Twitter. Likely because of similar political feelings. I clicked on your blog a few days ago for the first time. I ended up reading every post. There was just so much that hit home being in my 40's with young kids, married 13 years, dealing with anxiety & the effects it has on my wife, and a tremendous fear of the death of loved ones. My mind can't seem to shake your story. It has made me contemplate my current situation, my actions, and what really matters. I just wanted to say "thank you" for your posts.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Eric. I am both grateful and sorry that my posts are meaningful to you, if that makes sense. I am sorry for what you are dealing with, I know it is so much. Can you please let me know who you are on Twitter so I can reach out? This is a difficult means of communication, and I would just love to connect in a more direct way. Thank you so much for reading and responding... I just hope I can possibly be more of a friend.
DeleteStay as strong as you are.
ReplyDeleteWow! I went through a wide range of emotions reading those few words. Sadly, hauntingly, hopefully, determined... beautiful.
ReplyDelete