Four Years
What I will always have to live with, and what won't fade and what won't go away ever, is that day.
I fucking hate it. I really do.
No matter what I do or build or am, it is always there.
A silent home that is so loud. A body that is buried but still hanging.
Always hanging.
That was done on purpose.
It is a brutal thing to live with.
There is me before that day and there is me after that day.
My hand on the front door, which was left slightly ajar. An invitation for me to come in, to find him.
My footsteps making the only sound in a breathless house.
Then the sound of my own screaming.
I could hear myself breaking down on our front yard, as if I was another person.
I broke down. I broke.
The past four years have been building a life out of the broken pieces.
It is exhausting, but I am doing it. Putting all the pieces back together as best I can.
Every day I try hard to make enough noise to drown out the silence of that day.
I smile, I laugh, I love, I work, I build, I hug, I breathe, but his body hangs there in my brain, always.
I can do this. I will do this. But it is brutal.
That's so horrible and brutal and visceral. I'm amazed you have the strength and courage to share it.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if the words of strangers have any meaning or consequence for you, but I'm sure I'm not alone in sending you a hope for healing and a community of compassion.
Such heartache & violence to the soul. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced such sadness & this inexplicable act of destruction.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you are sharing this. It is a good way to heal. Even though it is so heartbreaking to read, I can't imagine having to live it daily. You are strong, (women are) it doesn't always feel that way , but you are. Again I am so glad you are sharing this. My love and strength I send to you. ❤
ReplyDeleteHi there, long time follower. I, like you, are members in this horrible club. I came upon a website last winter called The Happiness Project. It was a foundation started by a college kid who lost a friend to suicide. When you buy something from their shop proceeds are donated to suicide awareness. I’m not sponsored by them or anything. Hell, they have no clue who I am! I just like what they are doing and have bought two sweatshirts already. :)
ReplyDeleteThis helps me understand how life must be for my parents. They found my 38-year-old brother in their basement 3 years ago. They found him 2 days before my Dad's birthday and he was born 4 days after my Mom's birthday. My parents don't like their birthdays anymore.
ReplyDeleteI found your Blog via Twitter. I have yet to read every entry, but have you have a very unique and powerful way of expressing yourself. Have you considered consolidating all your writings and submit them for publication?
ReplyDeleteI had some extremely unique experiences with my 1st wife and I put just a part of those to word and was published. I did not include her attempts at suicide.
In talking with professionals over the years, they feel I have several books I could write based on my experiences. I won't get rich, but that would not be the purpose.
I found it very therapeutic and powerful.
I agree, wholeheartedly, with the suggestion that your thoughts be compiled into a book that would be treasured by those of us who admire and care about you and your beautiful children.
ReplyDeleteI know you don't know me, but I am almost 62 years old and have done a tremendous amount of living. If I could wave a magic wand and have you hear one thing and believe it to the base of your soul, it's this: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! Any of it!
ReplyDeleteWhat happened to you was horrendous and will mar you for life...If you let it. I implore you to try to transmute ever single painful and haunting moment that tries to creep in back into positive thoughts of you and most importantly, your children. Build a dream roadmap for the best case scenarios for yourself and them and then start plotting the steps you need to get there. The most fabulous thing you can ever do for your kids at this point is to battle your way to self love. Children are so perceptive and attuned to us in ways that we may never understand. The first step of this journey is to forgive yourself for everything that you might imagine may be holding you back. Your words touched me very deeply and I believe that if you can share every step of a journey like I have described, you will most certainly help by pulling many out of a dark void with you!