Victories
I have written a lot about the sadness, about the loss, about the confusion, about the longing, about the absence, about the shock.
These things are all true. There is a heaviness to my life, and to my children's lives, that I wish was not there.
But there is also so much happiness. There is also laughter. There are also victories. There is a lot of light and lightness in my life, and the light is gaining traction over the darkness and heaviness.
I had a conference with my daughter's teacher this week.
I was nervous. I try to do my best. To check her folder, to pack her decent lunches, to ask her about friends, to foster her creativity, to encourage her work habits, to answer her questions...
I try, but I don't know if I am doing a wonderful job or a mediocre job or a terrible job. I try, but I am always watching her and her younger brothers at the same time, and I am only one person, so however much I do it never feels like enough. And I know things. I know she spends too much time on her iPad. I know she could eat more vegetables. I know she could be less scared of me disappearing. I know I could kiss her forehead more.
But I had a conference this week with her teacher, and her teacher told me I was doing things right.
Her teacher said she understood what our family has been through, but in her eyes what she sees is a happy girl, who easily makes friends, who is working hard on her studies, who has transitioned into a new environment easily, and who is a kind, good person.
Her teacher said she does not see sadness in my daughter. She sees joy and balance.
When you have made it through a year of trying to figure out parenthood all by yourself, of trying to be two of you, so that you can work your job and pay bills, and make doctor appointments, and cook meals, and clean the house, and fix what is broken, and check homework, and all the while you are doubting the job you are doing every single fucking day, the moment you hear from someone that you are doing right, that you are not failing your children, that you are managing to do the job of two people with success... it is a victorious moment.
I am doing this. I might not be doing everything right, but I am doing it.
My kids might actually be ok.
These things are all true. There is a heaviness to my life, and to my children's lives, that I wish was not there.
But there is also so much happiness. There is also laughter. There are also victories. There is a lot of light and lightness in my life, and the light is gaining traction over the darkness and heaviness.
I had a conference with my daughter's teacher this week.
I was nervous. I try to do my best. To check her folder, to pack her decent lunches, to ask her about friends, to foster her creativity, to encourage her work habits, to answer her questions...
I try, but I don't know if I am doing a wonderful job or a mediocre job or a terrible job. I try, but I am always watching her and her younger brothers at the same time, and I am only one person, so however much I do it never feels like enough. And I know things. I know she spends too much time on her iPad. I know she could eat more vegetables. I know she could be less scared of me disappearing. I know I could kiss her forehead more.
But I had a conference this week with her teacher, and her teacher told me I was doing things right.
Her teacher said she understood what our family has been through, but in her eyes what she sees is a happy girl, who easily makes friends, who is working hard on her studies, who has transitioned into a new environment easily, and who is a kind, good person.
Her teacher said she does not see sadness in my daughter. She sees joy and balance.
When you have made it through a year of trying to figure out parenthood all by yourself, of trying to be two of you, so that you can work your job and pay bills, and make doctor appointments, and cook meals, and clean the house, and fix what is broken, and check homework, and all the while you are doubting the job you are doing every single fucking day, the moment you hear from someone that you are doing right, that you are not failing your children, that you are managing to do the job of two people with success... it is a victorious moment.
I am doing this. I might not be doing everything right, but I am doing it.
My kids might actually be ok.
You and they will be. You are so loved and so not alone.
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome, you will have much more joy to come.
ReplyDelete