My North Star

He has been my north star.
My reference point.
For three years.
Since I lost my compass.
Since I was left behind.

Love served as the gravity that pulled me towards him.
Kept me looking to him.
Checking in.
Was he shining bright in the sky that night? Were we connected? Did I see him and know in my heart and in my mind where I was in the world?
He defined my location. My whereabouts.
I saw myself through his light.

Nights have been chaotic.
He has disappeared behind clouds.
He has hidden himself from me.
I knew where I was and then I didn't, and then I did again, and then I didn't again.
Always based on whether I could see him.

He disappeared.
And I would get scared.
I have been lost before.
I have been left behind.
I know darkness.
I don't want darkness.
I want starlight shining down on me. Always.
I want his starlight on my arms, on my hands, on my face, on my feet.
I want to see myself in his light.
I want to see myself and know where I am by his location and how he lights me.

I know, I know, I know.
I have an inner compass.
Darkness is ok.
It will help me guide myself.
I can feel my way through things.
But to me, I want his starlight on my skin in order to see myself.

I know I shouldn't, but I feel lost without him.