Nobody Said A Word
Shortly after I found my husband in the basement, hanging
there like one of his awful practical jokes that had gone completely wrong, his
brother told me he had tried to commit suicide once before. Because of a breakup.
A week after I found my husband in the basement, with his
feet dangling in mid air, one of his high school friends reached out to me and
told me that he knew of at least two other times my husband had tried to commit
suicide. After break ups.
A week and a half or so after I found my husband in the
basement, with his arms and head hanging down because they had no more breath
moving through them, his ex-girlfriend texted me and told me she had
information. And then we talked, and she told me my husband had been
institutionalized for several months in high school after a suicide attempt.
And that when she was dating him and couldn’t deal with his behavior and met
another guy, he also tried to kill himself.
She told me he did it in a showy way. He displayed the
alcohol he drank and the pills he had taken so she would see them and know. He
heightened the drama of his death scene. And then he didn’t die.
I was with my husband for ten years, and nobody told me he
had tried to kill himself before. Nobody told me he had been institutionalized.
Nobody took me aside on our wedding day and said “do you know you are saying
your vows to a person who has tried to die many times before?” and nobody took
me aside while I was pregnant with any of our kids to say “do you know you are
having children with a man who may choose to take his own life and may leave
you by yourself to raise these children?”
Nobody said a word to me.
Not even my husband.
wow. just wow. How could he not have slipped and mentioned it once in ten years?
ReplyDeleteSo cruel. So lonely.
As you noted, the STIGMA is real. When I tell people that I was institutionalized (briefly) they literally back up a step (usually unconsciously). His brother, his family, someone should have informed you, obviously, but they didn't. Why? Because it somehow makes you a BAD PERSON if you have a mental illness. We judge people who have mental illness. They scare us, so we have many implicit and explicit biases against them. And we don't speak of it in polite company because it's taboo. Again, your bravery is an inspiration. Keep writing and keep processing! Much love and thanks to you for your courage, your words.
thank you so much again, mark. I'm sorry you've had to deal with the stigma and judgement - it is hard enough to just have to deal with depression or anxiety or any other illness that feels and is overwhelming. I'm not sure why people hid information from me, but I sense that they were hoping his illness would just go away, and not have to be dealt with? I have a lot of resentment about the secrecy, but it is part of processing everything...
Deleteso grateful for your thoughtful input and support.
Bless you. I totally understand your anger. Marks right its all part of the process. I hope the family will one day explain why they didnt tell you. I spent 5 years working in Mental Health & have seen this so many times. A refusal by both his family & himself to acknowledge his depression leaving it to remain untreated. Men are much more unlikely to seek help. Some dont have the coping mechanisms to deal with how they feel. It doesnt sound like he planned it but acted on more of an overwhelming impulse. Its possible he knew by raping you there was no way back & the thought of that could have been the driver. Im so sorry youre going through this but thankyou for sharing. It could help so many xxx
ReplyDeleteJesus. Thank you for sharing. Your words are precious.
ReplyDeleteMy brother hid how depressed he was after he broke up with is long term girlfriend. Years later he told me that he had let the "perfect: soulmate" go in the past because he was her work supervisor . The woman that he had proposed to ,and then took back the marriage proposal 24 hrs. later, was a woman any man would have loved to shared their lifetime. My brother's depression became full blown after our mom died at age 90 and 6 months later he had his 1st suicide attempt. Luckily he failed that attempt and told me about it and he asked to move into my house and to seek treatment and was hospitalized for 10 days in a local hospital's mental health unit. My brother lived with my wife & I for 7 months and then we helped him get his own subsidized apartment, near us, where he has lived for the past 2 years. My brother is still getting counseling services and takes his psychoactive meds., which have helped but will never "cure" his depression. We keep in contact regularly and he comes up for dinner weekly but I know that he will never return to the successful & very stable person he was in the past. I understand how exhausting depression and the anxiety that can come with depression and how some people choose to take their life to escape that exhaustion. Luckily my brother chose to ask for help and to live but I know each of his days are still a challenge. Your husband was overwhelmed by his depression and probably other mental health issues. He, or his family or friends, did not communicate the need for him to get help to you or to give you a heads up of the problems he may bring with him as your partner. They did a great dis-service to him and to you by not making sure you were informed and to help him get the services that may have helped him deal with his mental health issues. Thanks for sharing your very well written posts which are a great help to other people who support people close to them with issues similar to your husbands. You are a strong , intelligent and talented woman who will get to where you want to be in the future. No doubt about it and your children will get there with you.
ReplyDelete