The Funeral
It wasn’t really a funeral.
It was more like a memorial service.
Actually it was more like a very bad party.
Actually it was more like a nightmare.
It was more like a memorial service.
Actually it was more like a very bad party.
Actually it was more like a nightmare.
Our house was full of people.
My house was full of many people.
My house was full of many people.
Work people
old friends
new friends
neighbors
friends of neighbors
people who knew me
people who hardly knew me
people who thought they knew him but hardly knew him
My house was full of many of those people.
My children were there.
They were the only children there.
old friends
new friends
neighbors
friends of neighbors
people who knew me
people who hardly knew me
people who thought they knew him but hardly knew him
My house was full of many of those people.
My children were there.
They were the only children there.
The night before, I had tried on many dresses.
I understood that people were going to be looking at me.
I hated that I cared that people were going to be looking at me.
I had to try on many dresses.
I didn’t want to look like a widow.
I didn't want to look like a mom of three with one paycheck that barely paid the mortgage.
I understood that people were going to be looking at me.
I hated that I cared that people were going to be looking at me.
I had to try on many dresses.
I didn’t want to look like a widow.
I didn't want to look like a mom of three with one paycheck that barely paid the mortgage.
I wore a black dress and heels and a tired, sad face.
The day of the nightmare,
I put potato chips in a bowl,
And soda bottles in straight rows,
and vacuumed our hallways,
and put the children's toys away,
and hung photos of him across the windows.
I was an event planner.
I was planning this event so everyone would be comfortable gathering in shock to talk about my husband's suicide.
I wanted to make sure no-one would be thirsty.
Once people arrived, I stood still mostly.
I was something to look at.
I knew I would be.
I stood there listening as people spoke about my husband, who had just been alive, but now was dead.
I stood there listening as they now talked about him in past tense.
They said he was a goofy guy.
They said he was always making stupid jokes.
They said he was a hard worker.
He was, he was, he was.
But he was also an alcoholic, a gambler, an absentee parent.
I didn't say these things.
I stood still mostly. Quiet.
Something for people to look at.
Making sure no-one was thirsty
as they talked about my husband in past tense.
I put potato chips in a bowl,
And soda bottles in straight rows,
and vacuumed our hallways,
and put the children's toys away,
and hung photos of him across the windows.
I was an event planner.
I was planning this event so everyone would be comfortable gathering in shock to talk about my husband's suicide.
I wanted to make sure no-one would be thirsty.
Once people arrived, I stood still mostly.
I was something to look at.
I knew I would be.
I stood there listening as people spoke about my husband, who had just been alive, but now was dead.
I stood there listening as they now talked about him in past tense.
They said he was a goofy guy.
They said he was always making stupid jokes.
They said he was a hard worker.
He was, he was, he was.
But he was also an alcoholic, a gambler, an absentee parent.
I didn't say these things.
I stood still mostly. Quiet.
Something for people to look at.
Making sure no-one was thirsty
as they talked about my husband in past tense.
Talk about it. That's what you wrote on twitter as your raison d'être for this blog. I'm sorry I wasn't there because I always talk about the elephant in the room, even if it makes everyone, including me, extremely uncomfortable. But who knows, maybe I would have been too busy with my own drama to have noticed your husband's slipping away. It sounds like he descended (literally) over a period of time. I'm sorry. You sound like a great mom. It's a thankless job, parenting (I do a lot of it still, but my kids are teenagers now, so it's different, but there's still dinner, laundry, shopping, cleaning, etc.) but it's also our most important work. Thank you, again, for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Mark. The time you are taking to read and care and comment is incredible, and so appreciated. Our friends are good people, and I think if they were able to see this coming in a true sense, they would have spoken out. But I think sometimes people's desire to hope things get better, or are better, overcomes reality, and overcomes a need to speak truth.
DeleteI love parenting. It is a lot, but my kids are incredible. They buoy me, they delight me, and they keep me so darn busy :).
Thank you so much again for commenting, and for being incredible.