The Suicide Pack
These are the things your friends say when your husband has committed suicide:
"You are so strong."
"I don't know how you do it."
"Please let me know if there is anything we can do for you."
"Your kids have you and that's enough."
Here are the things you want to hear your friends say when your husband has committed suicide:
"This is completely unfair to you and your kids."
I lost a lot of friends after my husband killed himself.
I was not easy to talk to.
People don't like talking about death.
People don't like talking about hanging bodies and mourning children.
People don't like talking about suicide.
They don't even want to say the word.
Suicide makes you a social leper.
People retreat, and think about who that person was who you were married to, who they thought they knew but they didn't know. Who was he?
People retreat, and think about who you are, and that maybe you are awful, and maybe you weren't good enough, and maybe you didn't do your job as a spouse. Maybe you didn't do enough to save him from himself. Who are you?
People retreat into their own sorrow because their world has also shifted, they also have experienced sudden loss, and they want to feel their feelings, and they can't concentrate on their own feelings when they are listening to your feelings.
People gather very closely around you. They dress in black. They cry. They give you cards. They give you hugs. They give you help.
Then people retreat.
Friends retreat.
Family retreats.
It is you and your children and all the little pieces to put back together. It is not your friends who put them back together. It is you and your children.
I have moved to a new town, in a new state, in a new house.
I have left behind a lot of the pieces. The ones I no longer wanted or needed.
I have started adding new pieces. I have started to make friends.
My new friends are women who have lost their husbands to suicide.
There are five of us in a tiny space. There are more than five, I am sure, but there are at least five of us in a tiny space. In a tiny teeny corner of the world. There are five of us.
We are all picking up our pieces.
We don't mind talking about death.
We don't mind listening to each other and saying "this is completely unfair."
It is ok. It is ok to say it is completely unfair.
It is ok to ask if it is going to be ok, rather than saying it is going to be ok.
It is ok to say I am not strong. I have no choice. What choice do I have? I put one foot in front of the other because I have no choice.
We are the suicide pack.
We stick close because people do not like to talk about death. People do not like to say the word suicide. People do not like hanging bodies or mourning children.
But hanging bodies and mourning children, that is our lives.
It is ok to talk about it.
It is ok to say nothing at all.
We get it.
It is hanging bodies and mourning children.
It is awful.
We will stick close together.
We will be new friends.
We will be a pack, as we put together all our little pieces.
"You are so strong."
"I don't know how you do it."
"Please let me know if there is anything we can do for you."
"Your kids have you and that's enough."
Here are the things you want to hear your friends say when your husband has committed suicide:
"This is completely unfair to you and your kids."
I lost a lot of friends after my husband killed himself.
I was not easy to talk to.
People don't like talking about death.
People don't like talking about hanging bodies and mourning children.
People don't like talking about suicide.
They don't even want to say the word.
Suicide makes you a social leper.
People retreat, and think about who that person was who you were married to, who they thought they knew but they didn't know. Who was he?
People retreat, and think about who you are, and that maybe you are awful, and maybe you weren't good enough, and maybe you didn't do your job as a spouse. Maybe you didn't do enough to save him from himself. Who are you?
People retreat into their own sorrow because their world has also shifted, they also have experienced sudden loss, and they want to feel their feelings, and they can't concentrate on their own feelings when they are listening to your feelings.
People gather very closely around you. They dress in black. They cry. They give you cards. They give you hugs. They give you help.
Then people retreat.
Friends retreat.
Family retreats.
It is you and your children and all the little pieces to put back together. It is not your friends who put them back together. It is you and your children.
I have moved to a new town, in a new state, in a new house.
I have left behind a lot of the pieces. The ones I no longer wanted or needed.
I have started adding new pieces. I have started to make friends.
My new friends are women who have lost their husbands to suicide.
There are five of us in a tiny space. There are more than five, I am sure, but there are at least five of us in a tiny space. In a tiny teeny corner of the world. There are five of us.
We are all picking up our pieces.
We don't mind talking about death.
We don't mind listening to each other and saying "this is completely unfair."
It is ok. It is ok to say it is completely unfair.
It is ok to ask if it is going to be ok, rather than saying it is going to be ok.
It is ok to say I am not strong. I have no choice. What choice do I have? I put one foot in front of the other because I have no choice.
We are the suicide pack.
We stick close because people do not like to talk about death. People do not like to say the word suicide. People do not like hanging bodies or mourning children.
But hanging bodies and mourning children, that is our lives.
It is ok to talk about it.
It is ok to say nothing at all.
We get it.
It is hanging bodies and mourning children.
It is awful.
We will stick close together.
We will be new friends.
We will be a pack, as we put together all our little pieces.
It is hard for people to talk about death or the kind of loss you have gone through when they have not gone through anything like that. My family has experienced a similar loss, not like yours, but something so profoundly painful that it has ripped the fabric of the family. We are an extremely close family and that has helped, but we will forever be broken. We won't ever be the same. Always broken.
ReplyDeleteI hate your circumstances but I love your voice.
ReplyDeleteThank you for honesty. I never know what to say to someone who has had a loss, especially a suicide.
ReplyDeleteSomeone who is a good friend I can try to be there for. But someone who is a casual friend or acquaintance I would feel like I was intruding on their grief.
It's a hopeless feeling.
I feel your pain. I think I can understand. We experienced a suicide loss. It was not a spouse but a family member. We don't even know what to say to each other. It is a horrible loss that never heals. There is an empty dark hole where they once lived in our hearts. It will never be filled. Our lives are forever changed. We live on with their memory as best we can.
ReplyDeleteI came across a comment you made on twitter which led me to this blog post. I've lost two adult siblings to suicide so I am in your suicide pack and have been since 1988 and again in 2004. It isn't a fun place to be somedays but I've chosen to allow it to make me stronger. I must admit I sometimes have limited sympathy for those who play the "why me" card but I'm happy to share my list to help them find strength. Be strong and realize the answers you may seek as to why will likely never be enough to soothe your pain but they can make you stronger and I know that is who you are based upon what I read!
ReplyDelete