Trying
The hardest part is when they won't try to get help. They won't even try.
You have 14 conversations about it every month.
"Maybe you should see a therapist."
"I think you should go to a therapist."
"You need to go see a therapist."
"I don't know if I can do this if you won't even go see a therapist."
The conversations build like waves.
They start off small, because you notice small things.
Sleepless nights. Quietness.
They build because you notice other things.
Empty bottles. Hidden bottles. Missing money.
They crescendo because even with the thick blindfold of love and marriage, life is made so difficult by all the things.
Slamming doors. Yelling. Hiding. Lying. Punching holes in walls. Throwing computers across the room. Ruined birthdays. Smashing car windows with fists. Passing out in locked bathrooms.
Why?
You could try therapy. Please. Please. Please.
You could try medication. Please. Please. Please.
You could try being happier than you are. Please. Please. Please.
Just try.
It is easier than patching walls every weekend.
It is less expensive than gambling away our daycare money.
It is less dangerous than alcohol + sleeping pills + driving.
It is so much less dangerous.
Do you want me to drive you?
Do you want me to make the appointment for you?
Do you want me to go with you?
I cannot go for you. I would if I could. I can't. You have to go. Why won't you just go?
Then during the 14th conversation you say I cannot talk about this anymore. I talk about it so much. We always talk about it. Nothing changes. The appointments are made but not kept. The sobriety is fleeting. The holes keep reappearing. You say you will try. You don't try. I am done trying.
The hardest part is when they won't try to get help. They won't even try. But you try and try and try. And then you are done trying.
You have 14 conversations about it every month.
"Maybe you should see a therapist."
"I think you should go to a therapist."
"You need to go see a therapist."
"I don't know if I can do this if you won't even go see a therapist."
The conversations build like waves.
They start off small, because you notice small things.
Sleepless nights. Quietness.
They build because you notice other things.
Empty bottles. Hidden bottles. Missing money.
They crescendo because even with the thick blindfold of love and marriage, life is made so difficult by all the things.
Slamming doors. Yelling. Hiding. Lying. Punching holes in walls. Throwing computers across the room. Ruined birthdays. Smashing car windows with fists. Passing out in locked bathrooms.
Why?
You could try therapy. Please. Please. Please.
You could try medication. Please. Please. Please.
You could try being happier than you are. Please. Please. Please.
Just try.
It is easier than patching walls every weekend.
It is less expensive than gambling away our daycare money.
It is less dangerous than alcohol + sleeping pills + driving.
It is so much less dangerous.
Do you want me to drive you?
Do you want me to make the appointment for you?
Do you want me to go with you?
I cannot go for you. I would if I could. I can't. You have to go. Why won't you just go?
Then during the 14th conversation you say I cannot talk about this anymore. I talk about it so much. We always talk about it. Nothing changes. The appointments are made but not kept. The sobriety is fleeting. The holes keep reappearing. You say you will try. You don't try. I am done trying.
The hardest part is when they won't try to get help. They won't even try. But you try and try and try. And then you are done trying.
I had a difficult time reading this one. I suffer from depression as a result of a horrible school bus accident. I was the driver. This happened back in 2004. I still have nightmares to this day.
ReplyDeleteWhy haven't I sought therapy? Every day, I am criticized for drinking beer in excess. I married a Baptist minister's daughter. Her family said that I am an alcoholic. If I drink more than 3 beers a day, I am told that. I get up daily and go to work. That's my happy time. My escape. I get thanked daily for protecting the people on my campus. (I am now an armed site supervisor for a state agency.) I feel normal. Then comes the dreaded tim that I go home. I love my wife of 32 years dearly.
I have been told to just let the accident go away. I am told that I have held onto depression too long. I am told that I am weak for not just shrugging it off. I have suggested going for counseling. Then, I am asked how much work would I miss. We have bills to pay. I am asked why I don't want to go anywhere on weekends.
I am a hot mess. I have no intention on harming myself as I know the devastation it causes on family. I am told that church is the answer. I stopped attending church because I saw the hypocrisy every weekend. I walked away from FB as my childhood friends showed their ugly side when I was attacked daily for my stance on the tRump administration. I am at a loss of words to describe what I feel like right now.
I take medication for my depression. I have many things to look forward to. I have my first grandchild being born at the end of April. I hope this helps answering your question about depression. I am open to any suggestions that you might have. You are a strong woman and I admire your courage.
I've been on both sides of this. In hindsight, we both should have left the situation. Doesn't help now, obviously, but it was the healthiest choice for everyone. Now, we resent each other for staying.
ReplyDeleteI can relate. My ex wife continually told me to "lift myself up by my bootstraps". It just doesn't work that way. And finding a counselor/therapist, at least for me, is extremely difficult. I can really "click" or "relate" to maybe 1 out of 10 & it takes some time to develop a repore that allows you to really make some progress.
ReplyDeleteCan White Privilege Whores like you End your life
ReplyDeleteThis really isn't necessary to say things so mean.
DeleteIts unbelievable to me that you could come here, and read this post - this blog, and think that saying such an insensitive thing is acceptable. Go back to the bowels of Hell from whence you came and leave this woman her children, and their peaces alone. This blog is not a place for trolls.
Delete