What's the Worst That Could Happen?
It used to be calming.
"What's the worst that could happen?"
Words that were meant to encourage risk, the overcoming of hesitation, a lessening of anxiety and worry.
Now I know.
The worst that could happen is having everything I know shatter in a matter of minutes, and being left to pick up all the pieces for the rest of my life. Pieces of my brain. Pieces of my heart. Pieces of my children, my home, my job, my life.
The worst that could happen is the burden of needing to move forward, having no choice but to move forward, with the terror of walking barefoot through piles of sharp broken pieces.
The worst that could happen is feeling anguish every day, upon waking and upon going to bed, because my children are missing their father, because maybe they will want to take their own lives one day, because maybe I am not doing a good enough job protecting them from hurt or from hurting themselves.
The worst that could happen is feeling forever changed by one sudden thing. Two sudden things. Two explosions right in a row. Boom boom. Then bodies and broken pieces.
The worst that could happen is having the worst thing happen, and then being afraid that it will happen again, because it did happen, and it can happen, and it is terrifying.
"What's the worst that could happen?"
I will tell you.
New to your blog. I have not experienced what you have gone through with a family member, let alone a partner. I had a former bandmate and friend take his life 25 years ago, on a tree in his front yard, on his birthday. He was found by his wife and two very young sons. The subject is unbelievably sad and one that most of us prefer to ignore and hide from, but you are such a gifted writer, and are able to convey your message so directly. Thank you for opening your heart to those of us who are willing to listen. I wish you peace.
ReplyDeleteOh Jesus...Mike Pompeo now says of NPR host Mary Louise Kelly: "I hope she finds peace", which makes me wish I had never used these words on your blog. I was being sincere, but even remotely sounding like this asshole makes me shiver.
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